Family Hopelessness
The little girl gazed out the window. Her brown wisps flew into her face as the smell of autumn floated through the air. Pumpkin spice permeated the atmosphere around her. Sunsets were her favorite time of day because she knew that tomorrow would hold something else.
Beep goes the over as the apple cinnamon turnovers finished cooking in the oven. The voice called out, “Get down here and eat! Just make sure you are cleaned up before sitting at my table.” The female was never happy. No matter what she did, there was nothing to do, besides follow her directions.
As she made her way to the bathroom, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her face sullen and sunken. Thoughts of what her mother would’ve been like cause a tear to trickle down her face. Never did a day pass that she wondered why her mother didn’t want her. So many fairy tales had taught her it was so she could have the life she deserved. Aryana didn’t believe that.
Quickly, she wiped the tear from her face. “Why am I here? Any life with my family would be better than not knowing,” Aryana muttered under her breathe.
“Aryana, hurry up!”
“Yes, Mother! I’m coming.” Aryanna made her way down the stairs. She sat at the table, carefully positioning herself between the two older boy children.
“Is there something you want to say Aryana? Your eyes are puffy and your nose is red.”
“No ma’am. I was washing my face this morning, which is why my eyes are puffy. I think some of it might’ve gotten in my eye.” Her voice was bland as she responded. The potential for her tone sounding snippy was too high.
Aryana sat in silence as she nibbled on her turnover. They were fresh and delicious, but it was a luxury that she didn’t have. If her enjoyment was displayed, it would be taken away from her.
“May I be dismissed Mother to finish readying myself for school?”
The old lady nodded and looked dissatisfied as Aryana left the dining area. Aryana could almost hear the huff from her.
Aryana left the room and went back towards her room. The day at school would go by slowly. There were assignments that she was dreading because they were about her family. Something that she didn’t have. Whatever her living arrangements currently were, this was not a family.
The three children walked to the school, which was only three blocks away from the house. She didn’t really listen to the conversation that the boys were having. Her thoughts were taking her somewhere else. The only thing which caused her to snap out of her head was when she almost tripped over the curb and the boys laughed at her.
Aryana made her way through the crowded halls and took her seat in homeroom. Her teachers voice was nothing more than a muffled background noise as she makes the assignments. The perfume her teacher wears hits a nerve that makes Aryana want to gag.
She raised her hand, “May I excuse myself for a few moments?”
“Yes Aryana, you may. After class, please stay behind as well,” her teacher stated and other classmates mocked her. Aryana made her way to the bathroom after she walked out of the class. The air in the room seemed stale and suffocated her.
Bells echoed through the hallway as Aryana realized that the class was over. However, her teacher had requested that she stay afterwards. As she made her way back into the classroom, Ms. Pagen was seated behind her desk.
“Aryana, what is going on? You aren’t behaving like yourself.”
“Sorry Ms. Pagen. The idea of doing a family tree project is detrimental to me, I believe.”
The concerned teacher furrowed her brows. “Explain what you mean to me.”
The troubled child took a deep breathe. “What I mean is that I don’t know what family is. I feel like I don’t belong where I am at right now. Part of me wants to know more about my true past, but at the same time, I want to know nothing.”
“Let’s reach a compromise then. What if you write an essay on what family means to you. Not the extent of if you have one, but what your ideal family would be if there were no restrictions at all. Picture perfect fantasy.”
“I believe that I can make that agreement then, Ms. Pagen.”
“Hurry along to your next class. Please see me if you have any questions or if your teacher wants to know why you are late.”
“Thank you Ms. Pagen.”
Ms. Pagen continued her speech as Aryana walked towards her next class. “School should not be detrimental to you. It’s a way to learn and develop as a person. It’s the meaning of life, to be honest with you.”
Aryana went through the remaining portion of the day. She thought about all of the different approaches she could take for her report. Now that Ms. Pagen had made the compromise with her, the anxiety was scaled back.
The child sat as she doodled on her notepad and tried to think of different outcomes for her story. Did she want to make it where the story would end with the happy ever after feeling or would it be a darker, truer perspective of life?
What is family? A place to belong, without judgement. Full of love and laughter. Is there such a place?
These were all doodled along the edge of her notebook. Questions about how to carry on through this prompt. After being told that she wouldn’t have to present it aloud to the class, the heartfelt emotions could come through more.
She passed through the remaining part of the day without any hiccups. The final bell rang through the halls, which commenced the chaos of the after school rush. Halls flooded with people pouring out of the building.
Aryana made it to her room without any questions about how her day was. The questions would always seem more like an interrogation. With the answers, she had learned that the best way was to lie about how the day went perfect. If there were calls placed to the residence is the only time that didn’t work out the way it should.
Perched at her desk, Aryana sat down and the words flowed through her body. Everything just fell into place. The final draft of her paper she turned in followed the following statements.
Everyone dreams of their fairy tale home where they have both parents and their isn’t any yelling. A house filled with love and laughter. Questions about how the day went just to spark conversation.
Home and family go hand in hand. The feeling of belonging. Feeling that the parents want you around. However, what happens when this place only exists in your mind? A figment of your imagination?
Have you ever thought about the exact opposite perspective? What if your family didn’t want you around? They gave you away? Their excuse being to give you a better life, but they ended up subjecting you to a life of abuse.
Longing for the family that you never know can drain the emotions out of you. You can lash out at people who don’t deserve it. Emotionally, you are so reserved people believe that you don’t care about them. It’s not the truth, but its their perception and they are entitled to one.
The expression that home is where the heart is couldn’t be truer for myself. The family that I have is acceptable, but it’s not where I feel like I belong. Sideways glances from my foster mom make me believe that there is something wrong with me.
As days pass, I think of my mother. Does she think of me? What would she do if she found out I never stopped looking for her? Would it even matter or would I just be more devastated?
My mother is the one that I admire most. I don’t think I’d be able to give up my own flesh and blood after carrying my child for nine months. Something about the bond between a daughter and a mother should never be broken. Not only did she break the sacred bond, she shattered it. My psyche and my being. Rattled to the core.
Now I am only a hollow version of who I could be. Without her, I don’t believe my life will ever be complete. One day, I believe we will meet and she will regret the decision and know the missed time can’t be gotten back.
The report sat on her desk and the tears slid down her face. If only she knew her mother had been watching her all these years. Seeing her beaten and devastated, she wanted to reach out to Aryana, but the court papers said she couldn’t mention anything.
The anonymous adoption had to remain that way. Nothing could’ve kept her away from her daughter. Times were dangerous for her. She couldn’t bring her daughter into a situation where she might’ve not lived to see her first birthday.
Family was the one thing she desired more than anything. It was so close that she could taste it, but she could never have it. The future would forsaken her to have what she wanted. Being the teacher that Aryana could reach out to would have to do for now.
One day she would tell Aryana everything she wanted, and deserved, to know. There wasn’t a day that passed which she didn’t regret her decision. There was a part of her soul she would never get back.
